“I think grief is just the period of time it takes for your brain to accept that someone’s gone. Cause everything in your body, your mind, your entire being, just keeps bringing you back to the moment that they’re still alive. Takes a long time for your body to let go of that. It’s the hardest thing of all… to let go of someone you love.”

What I’ve Learned:

1. A man can lose feelings for you over night.
2. A kiss can be just that, a kiss. Completely meaningless.
3. Love can be one sided but I still wonder if that is love at all
4. Never beg for someone to stay or to love you. You shouldn’t have to beg for someone to be a part of your life or to love you. You deserve better than that.
5. Stop breaking your ribs to make space for those who do not belong there.
6. Learning to breathe again is harder than the doctors said it would be.
7. I don’t know what hurts more at night; being alone or being in love.
8. Laying with someone in bed at night is temporary. It won’t get rid of the lonely. You will still wake up and leave in the morning with a heavy heart and no hand to hold.
9. Sometimes the sky rains gasoline instead of water and you have to be strong enough and ignore the urge to set yourself on fire.
10. I will be okay someday. Bad things happen for no reason sometimes and things end but that shouldn’t mean you should come to an end too. The ocean will always have waves; I just have to learn to swim through them for a bit longer.
11. The stretch marks I left on my mother from birth will not be another suicide letter I never finished.

The skin in my teeth

Emptiness echos in my hollow chest
cracking my brittle bones.
Panic digs in like roots causing lumps in my throat,
I crave what I will never get back,
the parts of me that died the day you said

“I love her”

My insecurities gasp for a deciduous substance,
a decaying love that was once timeless.
I inhale this fleeting illusion fed by doubt
and hide in between the smoke of a midnight cigarette
and words that fill the blank pages of my journal.

I wait to exhale.

-Addy

I wrote this awhile back. Needs work.

A letter from my Momma

Amanda my precious beautiful little girl, I want you to know that you are a beautiful, talented woman and you have so much to offer this world. Momma loves you more than life my sweet child and I was so blessed when God gave me you. I still remember the day you were born like it was yesterday and when I got to hold you in my arms for the very first time, I remember thinking to myself what have I done so right in my life that God gave me you to have all to myself? I never felt so much joy and love as I did the moment I gave birth to you. I know that I cant be with you physically baby but I carry you with me where ever I am and there’s not a moment in my life that I don’t think about you or pray for you. I wish so much that momma could sing to you again like I did when you were little. That was some of my most precious moments with you. I loved watching your little eyes get heavy as I sang you to sleep. I also loved that I passed my gift onto you because now I love to hear you sing and I cry every time because you have a true God given talent. A voice that touches peoples hearts and really makes them feel the passion in your voice. Thank you baby for sharing this song. I love you my panda bear. Never forget that k.
Love always.
Momma —