Over the past two weeks or so, I’ve been reading my journal entry’s from the last year and through many long-late-night conversations with my cousin and childhood friend, I’ve been able to reflect on the rage that’s been taking up space in my head and in my heart the last year and a half.
It’s not in my nature to be so angry or unforgiving, anyone that knows me well will tell you that. I would never intentionally hurt anyone and I don’t like to see people suffer, especial those that are close to me.
These last 18 months brought out a darkness inside of me that I was scared of. Not only have I been depressed to the point of self destruction but I wanted the people that hurt me to feel the pain that was engraved upon me by there actions.
Every day since June 24th 2013, when my intuition was confirmed by our last phone conversation, I have been reliving and mourning the death of my husband my marriage and my friend. A lot of my anger comes from not wanting feel sadness or anxiety anymore, anger is like lidocaine it numbs the pain for a short time.
I didn’t want to miss someone who could knowingly hurt me so badly but I did and if I’m being honest with myself I still do. I loved her and thought the world of her. When her mom passed away it broke my heart, All I wanted to do was hold her and take her pain away. I would have done anything I could to make her smile because I cared for her that much. I don’t give my heart like that to just anyone and to know that she cared for me so little was devastating.
It still makes me feel sick when I think about the last night we went out together, she knew all along that she was the cause of my husband pulling away from me. I truly believe it made her feel good to know that she had that power. She had my heart in a vice and crushed it while looking me In the eyes.
I’m still uncertain if she ever loved or cared for me the way she said she did or if it was all an act for personal gain. I will never know, and I don’t think it’s worth know at this point. All I want to do is move on and be happy again. I’ve been working hard to make that happen. I believe eventually I will be again it’s just going to take time, a lot of time.