Heartbroken (literally)

Over the last year my son has been ill with dizzy spells, vomiting, shortness of breath and falling to the side when he walks. This wasn’t constant, it would happen a few times a month. I had taken him to his pediatrician several times but it was always the same answer.

“Your son has vertigo.”
“No reason to worry so much.”

This went on for months and as a mother I felt hopeless. All I could do was lay with him and talk him through these episodes. I started noticing physical changes, his skin turned pale and he had dark circles under his eyes. I decided to make him another appointment but this time with a different pediatrician at a different office.

After a few tests they discovered that his heartbeat wasn’t right. We were then sent to pediatric cardiology specialist where they performed an EKG took photos of his heart and an ultrasound. They discovered that he has a very rare deformity that only 2% of the worlds population has. A pinhole between the two chambers of the heart that blood gets pumped into . One of his aortic valve’s is collapsed, the flap that opens and shuts to let blood into the heart is also deformed.

He has an arrhythmia that causes his heart to beat abnormally and his blood sugar is not right. Next week he will be sent to do fasting blood work to make sure that he is not a diabetic. Because of the condition of his heart he will have to be monitored closely for the next year and probably for the rest of his life.

No meds or surgery needed as of yet. For now we just watch and wait.

The worst part about anything that’s self destructive is that it’s so intimate. You become so close with your addictions and illnesses that leaving them behind is like killing the part of yourself that taught you how to survive.


You come to me again, 

this time in the night, this time 

seeking autumn 

for the green of your leaves. 

And I am October for you. 

I am October until you fall 

wet upon the ground of my lips.

When someone tells you, “I love you,” and then you feel, “Oh, I must be worthy after all,” that’s an illusion. That’s not true. Or someone says, “I hate you,” and you think, “Oh, God, I knew it; I’m not very worthy,” that’s not true either. Neither one of these thoughts hold any intrinsic reality. They are an overlay. When someone says, “I love you,” he is telling you about himself, not you. When someone says, “I hate you,” she is telling you about herself, not you. World views are self views—literally.

-.- Last Night

Woke up at 3:46 am in a cold sweat. My heart pumping sounded like thunder in my head. I dreamt that I was suffocating. I was calling for help and everyone just passed right me. Not sure what that was about.

I really miss my Momma lately. I miss my sisters and all of my family in California. I need them around me right now.

My boys cardiology appointment is next week. More test, more questions, hopefully some answers.