It’s been awhile

Rain has always made me feel new somehow.

When I hear the drops beating against the windowpane I close my eyes and imagine that my body is being cleansed. I use to do this as a little girl, only I would sit out in the rain, letting it soak into my skin until I felt it in my bones. I’ve been living with pain and anger that others have tied to my wrists and ankles for far too long now. This is not just from what’s happened in the past two years. My childhood was fucked.

A man that should have taught me how to love myself broke me. He raped me and called me a whore. He told me that I was nothing and that I would never amount to anything more than pieces that he took from me. My mother was extremely abusive and I endured bad relationship after bad relationship. We moved constantly. I went to fifteen different schools and never once got the help that I needed for my learning disabilities. I grew up truly believe that I was dumb and I carried that into my adult years. Needles to say I grew comfortably numb.

As I got older I used food to battle depression and anxiety. My weight has fluctuated over the years with my highest being 273 lbs. I was a twig growing up so It has been extremely hard on me. I loathed myself to the point of not wanting to be in public. My marriage has suffered tremendously, my husband always told me that I was beautiful but I never believed him. I knew my weight bothered him and I hated him for it. I am now 73 lbs lighter mostly because of stress but I recently found out that I might have some heart issues so that has motivated me to get my ass back in gear, but I’ll save that for a later post.

It is only very recently that I am starting to find the happy me again. A few weeks ago I started to decorate my house ( I’ve lived here four years now) and I’ve really enjoyed it. My husband’s grandparents have been visiting us from Alaska and I’ve been spending a lot of time with his grandmother. I call her Grammie . She is an amazing women. We’ve had many late night talks over tea and a few tears in between. I never had the chance to be close to any of my own grandparents so this time has been precious to me. This might sound funny but she makes me feel safe. I plan on taking a trip to Alaska this summer to spend more time with her ❤

Until next time my loves xo Mandy

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