Yesterday I cried a lot. It was a combination of antidepressant withdrawal and the phone call from my little sister telling me that my mom had a seizure. I was home alone when I got the call and basically, my chest went off like a hand grenade. I was trying to call my family but I was hyperventilating so all I could do was text. My mom lives in another state with her narcissistic asshole of a husband and I don’t trust him. Since I couldn’t be at the hospital with her I got ahold of my uncle and one of my other siblings. They both went to be with her so I felt calmer, or as calm as I could feel.
I keep thinking about how I’ll make it through her death. My grandmother was in her fifties when she passed away, my moms forty seven this May. I keep telling myself that death just is. I can not stop it or slow it down. Nor can I run from it, hide from it or reason with it. I have no choice but to face death.
I’m not a habitual church goer but I talk to God. Heaven and hell are very real to me ( Don’t worry, I’m not all fire and brimstone.) I’ve had many supernatural experiences, most of which took place when I was a small girl. The story of my faith I’ll save for a later time but it was a pivotal moment in my life. My Momma will always be with me, I am a part of her but to think that I won’t be able to pick up the phone and hear her voice when I need comfort is unfathomable.
Our relationship has been a complicated one but she has always been a constant in my life. She has asked for my forgiveness for things that I went through in my childhood and I have learned to except her flaws. We are only human. When the time comes I’ll remember her words for they are apart of me as my skin is a part of me. Her song has settled in my hands where she will always hold me.
Things that bring me comfort
Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”