Post crash 

My therapist is running thirty minutes late. I’m already exhausted from work and this puts me getting home at about 8:30pm. Oh well, she’s worth the wait I guess. She gives good hugs.  Towards the end of October/early November I began to experience extreme dizziness and fainting spells. I passed out at work while helping one of my patience and nearly crashed my car on my way home one night. My husband was in Alaska at the time visiting his grandparents and I didn’t want to worry him so I didn’t mention it at first. I chalked it up to stress, pulled up my big girl panties and worked through it as best as I could.

One morning, shortly after I woke up, I felt myself becoming faint. I tried to get a glass of ice water from the fridge, as that had helped to “bring me back” so to speak during other episodes. I remember grabbing the glass out of the kitchen cabinet and making my way to the refrigerator but I don’t remember actually filling the glass with water. The only reason I know for sure that I made it that far is because I had to clean up the water and shattered glass off of the floor later on.

Some how I ended up in my little sisters room, I told her to call my mom and then call 911. She helped me to the shower. I turned on the water as cold as it would go and sat on the floor until my mom arrived. For some reason or another at that I moment I remembered that I started a new medication around the time my dizziness began.

My mom called the pharmacy to ask if the meds could possibly be causing these episodes. Turns out the pharmacy printed the label wrong and I was over taking the medication by 1000mgs a day. The meds pull sugars out of the bloodstream and processes them through the liver. In turn it caused my blood pressure to drop extremely low . My mom was advised that I should go to the hospital to have my organs checked. No damage was caused except for psychologically. I already had issues with taking medication. Stupid fears and control issues.

Shortly thereafter started the debilitating panic attacks. I was getting them every day for about two months. On top of that, it kicked my OCD into overdrive.
OCD works like this…
Excessive fearful thoughts or images reply over and over again, no matter what you do, they don’t go away. On the one hand, you might recognize that the fear doesn’t make sense, doesn’t seem reasonable, yet it still feels very real, intense, and true…

You don’t want these thoughts — it feels like an avalanche…

Along with the thoughts come intense feelings of anxiety and emotional flooding. Obsessions form around the thoughts or images and compulsions such as “checking” are performed to alleviate distress. These compulsions are only a temporary fix and may even cause more anxiety after they are performed. This is where some people find themselves stuck.

My OCD has come and gone over the years taking on many different forms such as, needing things to be perfect to shopping compulsions to checking things over and over again (safety behaviors). It usually makes its appearance more so when traumatic things happen in my life. I learn as much as I can about my disorders. I think it’s important for anyone with mental health issues to understand the ins and outs of their sickness In order to fight it.

My stepsister and I were sexually, physically and emotionally abused for many years by my father. I never fully unpacked the severity of this or the impact it had on me until I started suffering with the aftershocks as an adult. Even then I told myself that I could have had it much worse, other people have it much worse. I know this plays a huge part in why I have OCD, anxiety, PTSD and self image issues. I hate it. I hate that I have to deal with all of this baggage. I hate that I have a strong need for control over things that I don’t have control over. I hate that my little sister suffers because she knows that she is the product of her mothers sexual abuse. It’s an extremely shitty situation but I will be damned if I let it rule my life. I will fight tooth and nail to not let fucked up circumstances win.

If your suffering with any kind of mental illness know that you will get through it. The darkness is only for a season.



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