Today was decent enough, I only had a little bit of anxiety and I only took one nap. The last three or so months I have been pretty reclusive because I’ve been plagued with extreme fatigue, anxiety, panic attacks and dizziness. It started to get to the point of “I dont know if I can handle this anymore”. It got pretty dark. I started seeing a new therapist and my psychiatrist more regularly, in hopes of some relief. It has helped a bit. I’ve learned some grounding techniques to help me when I disassociate from the anxiety. That is one of the scarier symptoms that my therapist helped me to understand. I have had anxiety and panic attacks since I was 13 but my physical and mental symptoms have changed over time. If you don’t know what disassociation is, look it up. For me, It feels like I’m stuck in a dream state. My surroundings become surreal and I feel very detached from my body. It fucking sucks.
My therapist explanation is that all of my anxiety, OCD, panic attacks and disassociation issues stem from PTSD. I view the world around me as unsafe and threatening constantly because of traumas that I endured as a child and an adult. I’m in a constant sate of hypervigilance and it causes me to freak out if I don’t feel that I have control over my situation. I use to tell myself that other people had it way worse than I did. I think because, it allowed me to escape from having to truly face what I went through. For a long time I thought my childhood was “normal” when it was anything but. Someday, maybe soon, I’ll write it all out and share it.
I was recently diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome). I went in for a routine PAP and to talk to my Gyno about some pain I was having in my ovaries. She decided to send me for some further testing and boom, I have PCOS. It was quite a shock to me and I’ve had some depression over it. Thankfully I don’t have the traditional symptoms. Health issues associated with PCOS are; being at high risk for certain cancers, type II diabetes, cardiovascular disease, infertility, depression, anxiety, sleep disorders and eating disorders. And that’s an incomplete list. PCOS is also a common reason for weight gain so my doctor didn’t seem shocked when I told her that I used to weigh 250 LBS. I started taking birth control (I hate it) to help get my hormones back to normal. At first I refused it and I got yelled at by my doctor. She said” You are putting yourself at great risk for cancer if you don’t take the birth control” and then she proceeded to hand write a list of all the issues it would help me with. So I’m like, fine! I’ll fucking take it but I’m not happy about it. She did warn me that it would make me feel shitty for the first month, due to my hormones being so out of balance. So far, I’ve had nausea and no appetite and that’s no bueno when I already hardly eat.
All of that seems like a whole lot of bad but I do feel like I’m starting to come out of it. I’m hopeful that as the weeks creep closer to the end of the year I’ll start to feel even better. I have big plans for next year that will be revealed in later posts. I’m super tired so I’m done for tonight. Sweet dreams my loves.