Sometimes I’m sorry isn’t closure.

Today was exhausting but good. My sister moved out this morning, I had mixed emotions about it. I enjoy having my family around but I also like/need my alone time. It seemed like my house was always messy and that caused me to be anxious, but I guess it couldn’t be helped with 7 people and 5 animals under one roof. I spent the majority of the day deep cleaning and reorganizing my house. I put up some Christmas decorations and fluffed the new Christmas tree I bought yesterday. I also finally put together my grandmas curio cabinet that was given to me by my uncle. It brings back fond childhood memories for me.

I am thankful that I was able to bond with my sister and my nieces. My sister and I discussed at length how we felt growing up with my father and what we each experienced. The verbal, physical and sexual abuse. Emotional exhaustion, always feeling like we were the ones to blame for his moods and actions. We describe it as having a daytime dad and a night time dad (Confusing as fuck, I know).

She expressed to me that she needed closure, she needed verbal conformation that what he did to her wasn’t her fault. Well meaning family and friends always told us that what he did wasn’t our fault, but its not the same as hearing it from the source of your suffering. I told her about the first time I spoke to him since he had gone to prison. All I could do was sob and none of my words made sense even though in my head I practiced a million times what I was going to say to him. I was a twenty eight year old women and some how this man whom I hadn’t spoken to in six years still insighted fear and intimidation over me.  I wanted so much to be angry with him, to scream at him but I couldn’t. I just mostly listened to what he had to say.

” I love you sweetheart, I have always loved you and I am so so sorry for what I put you through. Please know that it was in no way your fault. You did not deserve all of the horrible things I said and did to you. Please don’t carry around that burden anymore, it isn’t yours to bare. There are no words I can say to take your pain but I hope someday you can forgive me. I was sick and someday I’ll tell you about it”.

Hearing his words was in some way healing for me but it wasn’t closure. I think I have to find that on my own. My sister finally decided to write him, I pray that she gets what she needs or at least some semblance of it. I want her to go to therapy but she has to seek that for herself. As much as I want to fix it for her or to take her pain away, I can’t. I can only listen, hold her when she cries and tell her that she is strong and that in the end it will all be okay. We have survived every bad day so far. Thats all for now my loves.

Goodnight, Mandy ❤

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