My saying for 2018
“Nobody can bring you peace, but yourself.”
I’m not making any New Years resolutions. I didn’t last year either and it worked out just fine. What I am going to do, is keep pushing forward like I have been with improving my physical health, mental health and overall happiness. I did struggle a bit this year with debilitating anxiety, panic attacks, fatigue and more recently depression but I’m doing so much better now. I don’t ever want that to eclipse the good things in my life and there are so many to be thankful for. There will always be highs and lows, the important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I make it out of the darkness.
I will also continue to work on letting go of past hurts and shitty losses. I need to continually remind myself that those situations were out of my hands. Other people’s silence and hatred of me is not a reflection of myself, it’s not because I’m not worthy or unloveable. When I can’t fix a relationship or people, I tend to internalize it as “somethings wrong with me” or “I’m not good enough”. It will be a life long process for me I think. I’ve really hurt myself by not letting people get to close to me, people that really wanted to be my friends. Being vulnerable is terrifying to me because I love so hard. I can’t turn that off, even when someone has hurt me. But it’s time to open up again.
2017 was definitely a year of personal growth for me. I got my passport and traveled to a foreign country alone, to have a dangerous surgery that has changed my life dramatically. I took a two week trip to my home town in California (also alone) and I spent the summer in Alaska. I was a bridesmaid for the first time ever, which was nerve racking but super fun. I got pulled into doing the bridal party makeup and I totally was not prepared for that. There are just so many things to list.
I will say that one of my favorite things about this year is the self confidence I’ve gained through my weight loss. I got my smile back, as so many people have said. I wish everyone peace, love and happiness in 2018.
Much love, Mandy xo