Goodbye 2017 Hello 2018

My saying for 2018

“Nobody can bring you peace, but yourself.”

I’m not making any New Years resolutions. I didn’t last year either and it worked out just fine. What I am going to do, is keep pushing forward like I have been with improving my physical health, mental health and overall happiness. I did struggle a bit this year with debilitating anxiety, panic attacks, fatigue and more recently depression but I’m doing so much better now. I don’t ever want that to eclipse the good things in my life and there are so many to be thankful for. There will always be highs and lows, the important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I make it out of the darkness.

I will also continue to work on letting go of past hurts and shitty losses. I need to continually remind myself that those situations were out of my hands. Other people’s silence and hatred of me is not a reflection of myself, it’s not because I’m not worthy or unloveable. When I can’t fix a relationship or people, I tend to internalize it as “somethings wrong with me” or “I’m not good enough”. It will be a life long process for me I think. I’ve really hurt myself by not letting people get to close to me, people that really wanted to be my friends. Being vulnerable is terrifying to me because I love so hard. I can’t turn that off, even when someone has hurt me. But it’s time to open up again.

2017 was definitely a year of personal growth for me. I got my passport and traveled to a foreign country alone, to have a dangerous surgery that has changed my life dramatically. I took a two week trip to my home town in California (also alone) and I spent the summer in Alaska. I was a bridesmaid for the first time ever, which was nerve racking but super fun. I got pulled into doing the bridal party makeup and I totally was not prepared for that. There are just so many things to list.

I will say that one of my favorite things about this year is the self confidence I’ve gained through my weight loss. I got my smile back, as so many people have said. I wish everyone peace, love and happiness in 2018.

Much love, Mandy xo

8th Grade

An old friend of mine Charity, contacted me through IG and sent me this picture of us in Mrs. Sherri Wilbur’s class. I was so happy to hear from her because we lost contact with each other when I moved to Arizona. She was always super sweet and soft spoken and I was a bit shy but also awkwardly funny. We became fast friends.

We started catching up on each others lives and I mentioned that I would like to get in touch with Mrs. Wilbur. She was the first and only teacher that I ever liked or cared for. She really took the time to make sure that I was getting the attention that I needed in class, she was so genuine. I wanted to thank her. I wanted her to know that she really made a difference in an area of my life that was really difficult for me.

I found out, sadly she passed away from cancer earlier this year. It really hurt me to get that news. I cried over it because I had thought about her many times over the years but never reached out and now I would never have the chance to. Charity told me that she attended her funeral and many of her other students were there. I found her obituary online and wrote her a letter, I at least wanted her family to know what she had done for me.

On the right of me is Charity and to the left of me are Marcus (my boyfriend at the time) and Jose.