Muskrat Skulls

I got these beauties in the mail today. I’m so excited to add them to my cabinet of curiosities. #ilikedeadthings #oddities #curiosity #muskratskulls

8th Grade

An old friend of mine Charity, contacted me through IG and sent me this picture of us in Mrs. Sherri Wilbur’s class. I was so happy to hear from her because we lost contact with each other when I moved to Arizona. She was always super sweet and soft spoken and I was a bit shy but also awkwardly funny. We became fast friends.

We started catching up on each others lives and I mentioned that I would like to get in touch with Mrs. Wilbur. She was the first and only teacher that I ever liked or cared for. She really took the time to make sure that I was getting the attention that I needed in class, she was so genuine. I wanted to thank her. I wanted her to know that she really made a difference in an area of my life that was really difficult for me.

I found out, sadly she passed away from cancer earlier this year. It really hurt me to get that news. I cried over it because I had thought about her many times over the years but never reached out and now I would never have the chance to. Charity told me that she attended her funeral and many of her other students were there. I found her obituary online and wrote her a letter, I at least wanted her family to know what she had done for me.

On the right of me is Charity and to the left of me are Marcus (my boyfriend at the time) and Jose.

5:04am

My brain has thrown everything at me from; Giant Huntsman Spiders to Christmas cookie recipes to serial killers. WTF!

I thought I kicked this insomnia. Guess not…

Unexpected calls

I was on my way to get my nails and toes done today but decided I didn’t feel like driving all the way to Gilbert. I went to finish my Christmas shopping for my nieces, nephews and little cousins instead. I pulled into the shopping center and I felt my phone vibrating, it was a call from an unknown number. I hesitated but answered it. The voice that started speaking on the other end sounded shaky and weak.

At first, I didn’t recognize this person but then I realized it was my friend Jess. I was surprised to hear from her because the last time we had contact she was pretty rude to me over something petty. I was in Alaska, helping my grandma get her house ready to sell and I didn’t have time to see her right away. My grandma was still a mess from losing her Husband and Son a few days apart from each other months earlier, so being there for her was my main priority. It pissed Jess off and she texted me something super rude and bitchy. I deleted her off of FB and Instagram but she was still following me and “liked” my stuff from time to time. I basically said “Fuck It” I don’t need the stress and didn’t talk to her at all. It’s been six months.

I could tell something was wrong with her because she was stuttering and having a hard time getting her words out. I asked her if she was okay and she proceeded to tell me that she was recently diagnosed with some uncommon form of Tourettes syndrome that was brought on by stress. It’s not just her speech that has been affected, she has tremors and ticks as well. She started crying and I felt horrible. I just listened and let her get everything out that she needed to say. The longer we talked and the more she relaxed her sentences became smoother, more fluid. By the end of our three hour conversation she seemed much better. She told me that she really missed me and that she wanted to hear my voice. She felt relieved. I think that was her way of apologizing.

Her and I have been long time friends, since the age of sixteen. She introduced me to my husband and we have been there for each other through a lot of hard times. I think, had there been better communication between us we could have avoided the bullshit in the first place. I’m happy that she reached out to me. ❤

Sometimes I’m sorry isn’t closure.

Today was exhausting but good. My sister moved out this morning, I had mixed emotions about it. I enjoy having my family around but I also like/need my alone time. It seemed like my house was always messy and that caused me to be anxious, but I guess it couldn’t be helped with 7 people and 5 animals under one roof. I spent the majority of the day deep cleaning and reorganizing my house. I put up some Christmas decorations and fluffed the new Christmas tree I bought yesterday. I also finally put together my grandmas curio cabinet that was given to me by my uncle. It brings back fond childhood memories for me.

I am thankful that I was able to bond with my sister and my nieces. My sister and I discussed at length how we felt growing up with my father and what we each experienced. The verbal, physical and sexual abuse. Emotional exhaustion, always feeling like we were the ones to blame for his moods and actions. We describe it as having a daytime dad and a night time dad (Confusing as fuck, I know).

She expressed to me that she needed closure, she needed verbal conformation that what he did to her wasn’t her fault. Well meaning family and friends always told us that what he did wasn’t our fault, but its not the same as hearing it from the source of your suffering. I told her about the first time I spoke to him since he had gone to prison. All I could do was sob and none of my words made sense even though in my head I practiced a million times what I was going to say to him. I was a twenty eight year old women and some how this man whom I hadn’t spoken to in six years still insighted fear and intimidation over me.  I wanted so much to be angry with him, to scream at him but I couldn’t. I just mostly listened to what he had to say.

” I love you sweetheart, I have always loved you and I am so so sorry for what I put you through. Please know that it was in no way your fault. You did not deserve all of the horrible things I said and did to you. Please don’t carry around that burden anymore, it isn’t yours to bare. There are no words I can say to take your pain but I hope someday you can forgive me. I was sick and someday I’ll tell you about it”.

Hearing his words was in some way healing for me but it wasn’t closure. I think I have to find that on my own. My sister finally decided to write him, I pray that she gets what she needs or at least some semblance of it. I want her to go to therapy but she has to seek that for herself. As much as I want to fix it for her or to take her pain away, I can’t. I can only listen, hold her when she cries and tell her that she is strong and that in the end it will all be okay. We have survived every bad day so far. Thats all for now my loves.

Goodnight, Mandy ❤