Goodbye my sweet friend

When my mom called me the night before last to tell me that my friend Tiffanie passed away, it felt like my breath was instantly sucked out of my lungs. My chest was heavy and I got quite, I didn’t cry right away. My mind instantly flooded with memories of her and I was in disbelief for a good ten minutes. I hung up with my mom and went straight to her Facebook and then I knew for sure she was gone. Her page was encumbered with condolence posts to her husband and two children.

I had an overwhelming sense of guilt because I didn’t keep in contact with her like I should have. Tiffanie was one of the first friends I made when I moved to Arizona. My mom used to be her boss and thought Tiffanie would be a good friend for me. I was shy and awkward and Tiffanie was the complete opposite. The first time we went out together she took me to a party and we both got pretty drunk. I ended up falling asleep at this guys house and somehow the journal that I carried in my purse ended up being written in by Tiffanie and some other random people that I met that night. I was a little weirded out at the time but I’m glad that I have these little letters from her. We ended up at a road side taco stand at about 3:30 am and then finally back at my apartment.

She was always pushing me to open up more but she made sure to look out for me too, She was protective. One thing that always stuck out to me about her was her ability to look at life like it would never be shitty for her, because she wouldn’t let it be. She was determined to be happy and she was. She finished everything she set out to do with excitement. Her laugh was contagious and her smile warm. I will miss her, I just wish I had the chance to say goodbye.

I was two upset to write about any of this the other night. I have a lot floating around in my head lately and I was already feeling emotional before I got the news about Tiffanie. I’m tired now and I still have to cook dinner.

Goodnight, Mandy ❤️

Massage time is much needed.

No makeup and looking like a hot mess but I don’t care.

Baby you can have whatever you like.

💔

My heart hurts. I got the news tonight that one of my friends passed away. So fucking sad.

Monday mischief

Skin

This is me being vulnerable and real about the not so glamorous parts of extreme weight loss. I get asked often if I have loose skin and the answer is YES, I do. In my case it’s not as bad as others I’ve seen but it is defiantly uncomfortable. Some of the skin will tighten with time and exercise, but for the areas that won’t I will have plastic surgery. Possibly at the end of this year or the beginning of 2019 I will have a breast lift with implants, lower body lift with a tummy tuck and a thigh lift. I have been restricted to minimal exercise the last eight months due to the healing process and the fact that I don’t eat enough to sustain a rigorous workout routine. I also experience extreme fatigue from PCOS and that shit is no joke.

The areas of my body that bother me the most are; under my chin, my boobs, tummy and inner thighs. I never thought in a million years that I be posting pictures of the parts of my body that I’m not exactly proud of but I look at it as “This is not my end result, it’s only part of the journey” and there are thousands of other women going through the same thing. It’s not for me to be ashamed of because I have worked my ass off to get to where I am to day. I have had tremendous support from my family and friends but have read stories from other women who were shamed and told that surgery is the easy way out. It’s sad and its complete bullshit. Surgery is a tool, you still have to work hard at losing the weight. You are forcing yourself to radically changing your relationship with food and as a person with eating disorders I can’t tell you enough what a mind fuck that can be. Anyway, enough ranting for now, I just hope by sharing my experiences I’m able to help others through their own journey, that is the point of me posting all of this.

A Few things

I was crying alone in my bathroom because I didn’t want my husband to hear me (he was sleeping ). I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I realized that I’m an ugly crier. Just another reason why I hate crying in front of people.

After I left the bathroom, I walked into my bedroom to my husband’s side of the bed to grab the remote, I was going to put on a movie to distract myself from my sadness. I turned to walk back to my side of the bed and saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I saw a shadow of a person on the wall in the hallway leading to my door. My dog then goes into the hall and starts growling. My son is at his friend’s house for the night and all of my animals are in my room. I locked the bedroom door and now I’m probably up for the rest of the night.

Ugly cry face 👇🏼

 

No words to describe what kind of fucked up day I’ve had. I just want to lay in the dark and cry.

My face when someone that I’m not comfortable with touches me.

🌵

I want to take a trip to Sedona soon, possibly a solo one.

Fancy Friday