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My heart hurts. I got the news tonight that one of my friends passed away. So fucking sad.

Skin

This is me being vulnerable and real about the not so glamorous parts of extreme weight loss. I get asked often if I have loose skin and the answer is YES, I do. In my case it’s not as bad as others I’ve seen but it is defiantly uncomfortable. Some of the skin will tighten with time and exercise, but for the areas that won’t I will have plastic surgery. Possibly at the end of this year or the beginning of 2019 I will have a breast lift with implants, lower body lift with a tummy tuck and a thigh lift. I have been restricted to minimal exercise the last eight months due to the healing process and the fact that I don’t eat enough to sustain a rigorous workout routine. I also experience extreme fatigue from PCOS and that shit is no joke.

The areas of my body that bother me the most are; under my chin, my boobs, tummy and inner thighs. I never thought in a million years that I be posting pictures of the parts of my body that I’m not exactly proud of but I look at it as “This is not my end result, it’s only part of the journey” and there are thousands of other women going through the same thing. It’s not for me to be ashamed of because I have worked my ass off to get to where I am to day. I have had tremendous support from my family and friends but have read stories from other women who were shamed and told that surgery is the easy way out. It’s sad and its complete bullshit. Surgery is a tool, you still have to work hard at losing the weight. You are forcing yourself to radically changing your relationship with food and as a person with eating disorders I can’t tell you enough what a mind fuck that can be. Anyway, enough ranting for now, I just hope by sharing my experiences I’m able to help others through their own journey, that is the point of me posting all of this.

A Few things

I was crying alone in my bathroom because I didn’t want my husband to hear me (he was sleeping ). I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I realized that I’m an ugly crier. Just another reason why I hate crying in front of people.

After I left the bathroom, I walked into my bedroom to my husband’s side of the bed to grab the remote, I was going to put on a movie to distract myself from my sadness. I turned to walk back to my side of the bed and saw movement out of the corner of my eye. I saw a shadow of a person on the wall in the hallway leading to my door. My dog then goes into the hall and starts growling. My son is at his friend’s house for the night and all of my animals are in my room. I locked the bedroom door and now I’m probably up for the rest of the night.

Ugly cry face 👇🏼

 

No words to describe what kind of fucked up day I’ve had. I just want to lay in the dark and cry.