Urn Necklace 

Tonight when I got home from work, I received a big yellow envelope from my Grandma in Alaska. In it contained some gift cards and two smaller white envelopes with “Papa” and “Craig” written on them, father and son. I knew the contents would be their ashes. I couldn’t bring myself to open them for a few hours because somehow, even though it’s almost been a year, it would make their deaths much more real to me. I call and talk to my grandma at least twice a week and I still expect to hear my papa answer the phone. He would always say;

“Well, how Miss Mandy be today? You wanna talk to the old biscuit?”

I miss them both terribly. I will never get use to them being gone. 

I ask for more time

Yesterday I cried a lot. It was a combination of antidepressant withdrawal and the phone call from my little sister telling me that my mom had a seizure. I was home alone when I got the call and basically, my chest went off like a hand grenade. I was trying to call my family but I was hyperventilating so all I could do was text. My mom lives in another state with her narcissistic asshole of a husband and I don’t trust him. Since I couldn’t be at the hospital with her I got ahold of my uncle and one of my other siblings. They both went to be with her so I felt calmer, or as calm as I could feel.

I keep thinking about how I’ll make it through her death. My grandmother was in her fifties when she passed away, my moms forty seven this May. I keep telling myself that death just is. I can not stop it or slow it down. Nor can I run from it, hide from it or reason with it. I have no choice but to face death.

I’m not a habitual church goer but I talk to God. Heaven and hell are very real to me ( Don’t worry, I’m not all fire and brimstone.) I’ve had many supernatural experiences, most of which took place when I was a small girl. The story of my faith I’ll save for a later time but it was a pivotal moment in my life. My Momma will always be with me, I am a part of her but to think that I won’t be able to pick up the phone and hear her voice when I need comfort is unfathomable.

Our relationship has been a complicated one but she has always been a constant in my life. She has asked for my forgiveness for things that I went through in my childhood and I have learned to except her flaws. We are only human. When the time comes I’ll remember her words for they are apart of me as my skin is a part of me. Her song has settled in my hands where she will always hold me.

Things that bring me comfort

Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

In the calm

I haven’t had many words lately. I’ve been overwhelmed this past week with my Grandfathers passing and almost losing my cat Coco.

Sometimes, I think my heart is
going to stop from sadness but It keeps beating and I keep breathing. One foot moves in front of the other and the sun sets again.

I know now that strength is found in sorrow, pain and endings.

I look to the stars for answers.

Be still. Listen. Wait.