Last words

Dear Felicia,

Thank you for the open letter that you posted.
I have to admit that you are right about a few things. I did not handle finding out about the affair very well. I should not have spoken to you in the manner in which I did and it was wrong to post certain information about you. Everything I said was out of hurt, anger and pride. How does one handle finding out that two people they love so much have betrayed them in the worst possible way? I don’t know. I wish I would have reacted differently.

Maybe I should start by telling you why I fell in love with you in the first place and by in love I do not mean in a romantic way. I mean that I fell in love with your spirit, your mind, your heart and your kindness. We had quit a few things in common, including past hurts by men and our parents. You were a safe place for me. I could talk to you and be myself which is why you were so special. It’s not easy for me to open up to anyone but I gave you the key to unlock a door that’s been sealed for years. I let you into my already broken heart.

It’s true that I have insecurities. Unfortunately, I have been battling with them long since before I ever gained weight. I have never in my life believed that I was “flawless”. Even when physically I was healthier I never saw myself that way. I have always been much harder on myself than anyone ever could be. Including you.

I do not have women friends to pick them apart behind their back or to use them in some sick game in my marriage. I do not make a habit out of befriending anyone whom I don’t genuinely like or feel that I would have a connection with. I honestly don’t have any enemies either. You are the first women or friend for that matter where the relationship ended badly. I have no past failed friendships. I still have male and female friends from childhood that I love and that love me back. Love and the relationships that I build with people have always been important to me. Ours was one of the most important.

Before April 2013 I never EVER talked shit about you Felicia. I may have called you a bitch because of your attitude at some point but I have never judged you for your past. If I had cared about it that much I would have cut you off when you revealed everything to me. I don’t know who is feeding you the information so I can’t confront them, but I have a good idea of who it might be. If it’s Jeff, he’s full of shit. He spoke worse of you then I did and told me all about how cheating was your métier. Mostly he just commented on how nice he thought my tits were and how he wished he could have watched you and I mess around together.

He is a disgusting man and Jacki deserves so much better. We were NEVER “close friends”. I only ever spoke about you to him after I found out about the affair. I wish I had kept our chats so I could send them to you. It doesn’t really matter at this point though, does it? Your going to portray me however it best suits you.

I don’t understand what you mean by me trying to destroy you? Yes, I have looked at your blog but not to see if you were still hurting over the situation. There are a few different reasons for this but I’m not going to explain it because you already have your mind made up don’t you? You can act like you don’t check my blog but we both know that you do. From what I’ve seen it looks like your entourage dose to. I didn’t realize I was that important.

I loved your mom and I was not using her to play the victim. I was simply stating that I loved and cared for you enough to be there when she passed away. Do not compare me with your step mother because I am nothing like her. It’s ridiculous how I am this disgusting human being to you because of how I reacted to a situating that you were partially responsible for. You broke my heart Felicia. I’m not perfect and I don’t need to be to follow Jesus Christ. Have you ever read about his disciples? You probably should before you criticize me. Christianity in essence is about brokenness and imperfection. I am not excusing my actions. I know that I was wrong. I hope someday you can forgive me.

As for my mother and others who have posted on your blog in my defense, I am not responsible for them. I can’t control what they choose to do. Your blog is public.

It hurts me that you refer to the personal things that I told you about as “sad stories”. As if they were some how made up and used to manipulate you into feeling sorry for me. They are not sad stories, they were horrible things that happened to me, things that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I thought you would understand how violating it feels to have someone speak so trivially of such matters since you have experienced similar pain. Aren’t you supposed to be a feminist?

I do not want you dead. You may want to think that I am that cruel but your wrong. All I ever wanted from you was to know that you felt some sort of remorse. Not an apology mixed with sarcastic deflection. I do not only blame you. I have been very angry with him for ruining my relationship with you.

I was never fake. You can not define me by a reaction that I had to a fucked up situation. You should define me by how I treated you while we were friends. My friendship was very genuine and I believe you know that. I’m not a monster. I wish you would have leaned on me for support instead of him. I wish I meant more to you. I wish none of the bullshit ever happened. I still miss you at times and it hurts.

Take care of yourself.