Romans 13:10

“Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”

My beautiful friend and Bible study teacher quoted this verse last Wednesday night. The words quietly etched themselves in my mind but clashed like wind chimes with my soul. In my head I thought “okay God I hear you”.

At that moment I knew the Holy Spirit was convicting me, softening the hardness that had begun consuming my heart years ago. I know that in the past I have done harm to others. I feel it is important to say this because as recently as a year ago, I would have applied this scripture only to those who wounded me and not myself. It’s a painful realization but necessary for me to grow spiritually. Humility in all situations is a key component to being a gentle loving human. 

It’s scary the way that the world changes people sometimes. I became such a dark person because I let my pain and anger grow unchecked. I stopped trusting God and started trying to take control of the uncontrollable. My faith became so small. It wasn’t until I began truly seeking who God is again that I started seeing my pain differently. Suffering is meant to purify the soul, we either choose to cling to God or we turn from him. It’s a choice, everything in life good or bad is a choice that we make. 

The world will never satisfy you. You will always hunger and seek and strive for more because you are being fed an empty hope, a temporary happiness. No amount of money or education or beauty or men will ever fill the holes left from the pieces that people took when they didn’t love you the way that they were supposed to. Only God’s grace can drive out that darkness.

He will never stop calling you back to him. He wants you to come home. He wants to love on you. My hope is that someday you’ll listen. 

-Mandy 

I ask for more time

Yesterday I cried a lot. It was a combination of antidepressant withdrawal and the phone call from my little sister telling me that my mom had a seizure. I was home alone when I got the call and basically, my chest went off like a hand grenade. I was trying to call my family but I was hyperventilating so all I could do was text. My mom lives in another state with her narcissistic asshole of a husband and I don’t trust him. Since I couldn’t be at the hospital with her I got ahold of my uncle and one of my other siblings. They both went to be with her so I felt calmer, or as calm as I could feel.

I keep thinking about how I’ll make it through her death. My grandmother was in her fifties when she passed away, my moms forty seven this May. I keep telling myself that death just is. I can not stop it or slow it down. Nor can I run from it, hide from it or reason with it. I have no choice but to face death.

I’m not a habitual church goer but I talk to God. Heaven and hell are very real to me ( Don’t worry, I’m not all fire and brimstone.) I’ve had many supernatural experiences, most of which took place when I was a small girl. The story of my faith I’ll save for a later time but it was a pivotal moment in my life. My Momma will always be with me, I am a part of her but to think that I won’t be able to pick up the phone and hear her voice when I need comfort is unfathomable.

Our relationship has been a complicated one but she has always been a constant in my life. She has asked for my forgiveness for things that I went through in my childhood and I have learned to except her flaws. We are only human. When the time comes I’ll remember her words for they are apart of me as my skin is a part of me. Her song has settled in my hands where she will always hold me.

Things that bring me comfort

Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”