If your marriage has suffered an affair please read this.

One of the best things I did for myself and my Marriage was to purchase a book called Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.

It was recommended to me by a women who’s marriage also suffered an affair and survived. I will warn you, it dose have Christian themes, but the information is priceless.

This book is for any stage of the affair and I recommend it weather you decide to try and save your marriage or not. I hope this book helps you as much as it has helped me.


Two steps forward one step back

Tonight has just been one of those nights where my head and my heart are at odds with each other. Honestly, I would rather peal the skin off of my body then to deal with these memories and dreams continuing to haunt me at night.

It’s a two step forward one step back kind of thing. I can go days and days without incident and then boom, something triggers a memory. I hate it and sometimes it’s more then I can bare. It makes me sick to my stomach and I get scared that I might do something stupid, like confront my husbands affair partner Felicia.

I had known Felicia for about three years and she was someone that I called my best friend at one point in time, but looking back now, I know that she tolerated me only to get at my husband. I should have known better then to trust her. This is not her first time fucking people over.

She is what you call a Narcissistic Serial Cheater, meaning she has cheated on pretty much everyone of her partners with their friends. This information came straight from her own mouth and the mouths of people that are closest to her.

She holds on to everyone of her ex’s and still has contact with many of them even though they are married or are in relationships. She then becomes the shoulder to cry on and blames the wife or girlfriend for everything, making herself look like the perfect women. Hence the narcissist.

Felicia will tell you that she prefers friendships with men over women because women are to emotional and full of drama, but in reality she hates to feel that any other women is superior to her and if she is made to feel that way, she gets nasty and spiteful.

Oh yes, did I mention that she is married as well? Our husbands were best friends too and they all work for the same company. My husband was a groomsmen in their wedding and I was the photographer.
Fucked up situation right?

I don’t want to give you the wrong idea, I don’t only blame Felicia for the affair. My husband is just as responsible and he feels the pain of what he did everyday. We are in marriage counseling and he is trying to make things right between us.

Felicia on the other hand has somehow got it in her mind that the wrong has been done to her because my husband cut the relationship off to come home to his son and wife, his FAMILY! I don’t think she quite grasps the concept that he was never her’s to begin with. It’s so funny because she is always saying how stupid everyone else is.

Felicia even gave me a nick name according to my husband. She would call me his princess. Apparently when she would try to talk badly about me he would cut her off and say that he didn’t want to hear it. She would then say “oh excuse me for talking about your princess.” That actually made me laugh.

I wrote her awhile back in my own attempt to understand how all of this could happen, but I never got a response. I don’t remember everything that I said but it was something along the lines of “I hope that you can learn to be happy with what you have in front of you.” I guess I should have known that she wouldn’t respond. She’s is somewhat of a coward. She turns everything into hate so she doesn’t have to deal with what she has done to others.

Okay, I’m done ranting for the night. I could go on and on about all of this but I would only be doing myself a disservice. Things will be better tomorrow once I’ve had some sleep.

3:00 AM

Ember numbers on my clock tell me its 3:00am

I am laying right next to you
watching your chest rise and fall to the beat of my heart
yet when I close my eyes
it feels like we are separated by oceans

Why do you keep coming back
to taunt me with your Conditional love and half truths?
cruelly waving what I am starved for in my face

Giving me false hope
with your fingers running through my hair
only loving me between my legs every few days

The only way to hold on
is with faded memories that fall from my eyes like anchors
keeping me just steady enough
to weather the next wave of pain that comes
with looking into your pale blue eyes

Not seeing myself in them anymore
only a reflection of her