My sweet kitty

My baby Bowie,

you came to me at a time in my life when I really needed unconditional love, I was hurting. I remember seeing your picture on Facebook for the first time, I instantly knew I wanted to be your mom. I could tell by your cheeky grin that you would fit right in with our hodgepodge family of rescues. The first night in your new home you refused to sleep anywhere but on my chest, with your nose touching mine. You followed me everywhere. Even to places that I didn’t want you to, like the toilet. I’ll never forget the way you would look into my eyes and touch my cheek as if to say, it’s going to be okay mom, I love you. You were so much more than I ever expected you to be and I know that some people might think he was just a cat but to me you were a positive constant, a pain killer and that extra bit of light on my dark days. I love you my baby Bowie. Thank you for loving me and our family. I sure wish we could have had you in our lives a bit longer.

Good Days & Hard Days

Recently I’ve had more Good days than Hard days, more energy and less bad feelings. This morning was the first time in a few weeks that I woke up in a panicked state. I had a nightmare about my son that I won’t go into detail about (it was horrific). I did some deep breathing exercises and after about 25 minutes or so I felt much better. My therapist gave me a book about PTSD and how to ground yourself, I haven’t started reading it yet because I’ve made so much progress over the last few months. It’s something I should probably do though, maybe over Christmas vacation.

I’ve been reflecting on a few different areas of my life this year, the main focus  obviously being my health. So far I’ve lost a 110 lbs from my highest weight of 250 in 2013 and 94 lbs since February 24 of this year. I’m currently siting at 140 lbs and a size 7 pants. I just tried a size 7 on yesterday because I noticed my 9’s fitting looser in the waist. And they fit! The last time I was this small I was six months pregnant with my son. Several people have asked me if I’m happy now, but this journey has never been just about my physical appearance, it’s very mental and this process is not a liner one. In my mind there is no definitive answer to that question because I will always want to improve myself in one way or another. I am, in essence a very flawed person, that is the intrinsic nature of humanity.

I have Good days where I look in the mirror and my brain lets me see how much progress I’ve made. On those days I feel beautiful and proud of my accomplishments. On the Hard days, I’m bombarded with the “fat girl” mentality I had for so long. On those days my brain will yell at me and say things like;

“Your still a pig. Look at that disgusting loose skin. You have so many stretch marks! You’ll never be enough. Your unintelligent and you’ll never be smart, blah, blah, blah…”

To over come those thoughts and feelings I will make a list of all the positves that have come from my hard work and determination and I will also look back through pictures so that I visualize how far I’ve come. Here is a list of the positives I’ve come up with.

  • I went from a size 20 pants to a size 7.
  • I can tie my shoes without struggling.
  • I no longer have high blood pressure.
  • My sleep apnia is gone.
  • I can breath when I run up and down the stairs.
  • I can run up and down the stairs!
  • My husband and I both fit comfortably in the bath and shower together.
  • I can wrap a towel completely around my body.
  • My husband can pick me up and carry me.
  • I don’t snore any longer.
  • I can sleep on my back now.
  • sex is much more intimate and fun ❤

My Journey So Far

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GD Christmas party

My Christmas party outfit is now complete. I decided on boots with my dress because I didn’t want to be sinking in the grass with heals. I do love the high heals that I have on in the pictures though, I should have bought them. I’m not super happy with my arms yet, but a little more toning and possibly surgery next year. Either way that extra skin will be going bye bye. I’m not going to dwell on it to much because I’ve worked my ass of these last nine months to get to where I’m at now. And this dress is a size small ❤️ I’m excited. More pictures to come…..

Provisional blog post

Sometimes, the thing that might seem absurd to an outside perceiver of a situation is the right thing for the person going through the issue.

I was talking about this with my therapist last week, in regards to an internal struggle I’m having. I had this close friend who hurt me deeply and our friendship stopped abruptly. It was revealed to me that she and my husband were having an inappropriate relationship and I freaked out (I lost my shit for a good year and a half). I said and did some things that were out of my normal character and most people tell me that I was justified in my actions, but that’s not the type of person that I ever wanted to be. I regret the mean things I said and did. Since then my husband and I have both worked extremely hard to repair the damage that was done to our marriage and the issues that lead him to pursue the affair in the first place. It’s been a very long and sometimes dark road but so far we have become stronger and more connected. One of the biggest things is COMMUNICATION and being open to listening to what one another has to say without judgment.

He knows that what he did to both of us was wrong; the manipulation, the lies, everything. We’ve talked about it many times. As far as the pain he’s caused me, I am for the most part over it. And I say for the most part because scaring is inevitable, but it’s how you choose to heal that determines the outcome of your future wellbeing. I choose to rise above and grow from it. I trust him and I forgive him. My therapist is always telling me that I’m a strong person because of the way that I love and forgive. I tell her that it’s just the way that I believe love should be.

The part that I still struggle with is the loss of my friend and the things she said and believed about me during and after the affair. I don’t think about it nearly as much as I used to but why do I think about it at all? Why do I still reminisce and wish things could have been different? I believe there are several reasons for this. She believed that I was talking badly about her while we were still close friends and that never happened. Regardless of our current friendship status, It’s important to me that she knows that none of what was fed to her was true. I excepted her regardless of the things she told me about her past. I never saw anything bad in her (except that she could be quite bitchy sometimes) because she was my friend and I loved her.

I never once only blamed her for what happened but I did hold her accountable for her part. This was not a normal affair, she wasn’t some unsuspecting women who didn’t know my husband was married. She was a friend to both of us and she knew how I felt about my marriage because we had talked about it, even while the affair was happening. I wish it could have been someone who I didn’t know, It would have been less painful. I am not a toxic person and our friendship was not toxic. If the affair never happened, I believe we would still be friends today. It seemed like she used that as a scapegoat. Maybe because It made her feel justified in what she did? I don’t know. I did not try to friend request her mother after her death, that request was sent while she was still alive. And despite how angry I was at her, I would never want her dead.

So many times I have wanted to talk to her, to sort through some of the bullshit but I didn’t feel safe. My therapist thinks that I should talk to her but only if I’m ready to hear what she has to say, good or bad. It’s important that I don’t go into it with any expectations of  sincere remorse or an apology because in the past she’s been incapable of apologizing without putting the word “but” after it. She always turns it around to somehow be my fault or to point out why our friendship wouldn’t have worked out anyway. It sucks. I do forgive her and I want her to forgive herself. I want nothing but good things for her in her life.

It’s been a very long time since I’ve written about any of this but it’s been on my mind lately and I just needed to write it out.

Goodnight, Mandy

Unexpected calls

I was on my way to get my nails and toes done today but decided I didn’t feel like driving all the way to Gilbert. I went to finish my Christmas shopping for my nieces, nephews and little cousins instead. I pulled into the shopping center and I felt my phone vibrating, it was a call from an unknown number. I hesitated but answered it. The voice that started speaking on the other end sounded shaky and weak.

At first, I didn’t recognize this person but then I realized it was my friend Jess. I was surprised to hear from her because the last time we had contact she was pretty rude to me over something petty. I was in Alaska, helping my grandma get her house ready to sell and I didn’t have time to see her right away. My grandma was still a mess from losing her Husband and Son a few days apart from each other months earlier, so being there for her was my main priority. It pissed Jess off and she texted me something super rude and bitchy. I deleted her off of FB and Instagram but she was still following me and “liked” my stuff from time to time. I basically said “Fuck It” I don’t need the stress and didn’t talk to her at all. It’s been six months.

I could tell something was wrong with her because she was stuttering and having a hard time getting her words out. I asked her if she was okay and she proceeded to tell me that she was recently diagnosed with some uncommon form of Tourettes syndrome that was brought on by stress. It’s not just her speech that has been affected, she has tremors and ticks as well. She started crying and I felt horrible. I just listened and let her get everything out that she needed to say. The longer we talked and the more she relaxed her sentences became smoother, more fluid. By the end of our three hour conversation she seemed much better. She told me that she really missed me and that she wanted to hear my voice. She felt relieved. I think that was her way of apologizing.

Her and I have been long time friends, since the age of sixteen. She introduced me to my husband and we have been there for each other through a lot of hard times. I think, had there been better communication between us we could have avoided the bullshit in the first place. I’m happy that she reached out to me. ❤

Insomnia

I should be sleeping but my brain has other plans. I have VNG testing tomorrow to see if the dizzy spells I’ve been having are caused by an inner ear issue. If the test comes back negative, i’ll have to have a CAT scan of my brain. The last time I had one done I felt like I peed myself because of the contrast dye they inject. It was embarrassing. Hopefully we figure out what’s going on soon.