8th Grade

An old friend of mine Charity, contacted me through IG and sent me this picture of us in Mrs. Sherri Wilbur’s class. I was so happy to hear from her because we lost contact with each other when I moved to Arizona. She was always super sweet and soft spoken and I was a bit shy but also awkwardly funny. We became fast friends.

We started catching up on each others lives and I mentioned that I would like to get in touch with Mrs. Wilbur. She was the first and only teacher that I ever liked or cared for. She really took the time to make sure that I was getting the attention that I needed in class, she was so genuine. I wanted to thank her. I wanted her to know that she really made a difference in an area of my life that was really difficult for me.

I found out, sadly she passed away from cancer earlier this year. It really hurt me to get that news. I cried over it because I had thought about her many times over the years but never reached out and now I would never have the chance to. Charity told me that she attended her funeral and many of her other students were there. I found her obituary online and wrote her a letter, I at least wanted her family to know what she had done for me.

On the right of me is Charity and to the left of me are Marcus (my boyfriend at the time) and Jose.

Romans 13:10

“Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.”

My beautiful friend and Bible study teacher quoted this verse last Wednesday night. The words quietly etched themselves in my mind but clashed like wind chimes with my soul. In my head I thought “okay God I hear you”.

At that moment I knew the Holy Spirit was convicting me, softening the hardness that had begun consuming my heart years ago. I know that in the past I have done harm to others. I feel it is important to say this because as recently as a year ago, I would have applied this scripture only to those who wounded me and not myself. It’s a painful realization but necessary for me to grow spiritually. Humility in all situations is a key component to being a gentle loving human. 

It’s scary the way that the world changes people sometimes. I became such a dark person because I let my pain and anger grow unchecked. I stopped trusting God and started trying to take control of the uncontrollable. My faith became so small. It wasn’t until I began truly seeking who God is again that I started seeing my pain differently. Suffering is meant to purify the soul, we either choose to cling to God or we turn from him. It’s a choice, everything in life good or bad is a choice that we make. 

The world will never satisfy you. You will always hunger and seek and strive for more because you are being fed an empty hope, a temporary happiness. No amount of money or education or beauty or men will ever fill the holes left from the pieces that people took when they didn’t love you the way that they were supposed to. Only God’s grace can drive out that darkness.

He will never stop calling you back to him. He wants you to come home. He wants to love on you. My hope is that someday you’ll listen. 

-Mandy 

Love

Sitting in the quiet of the morning, I’m reflecting on what the word “Love” means to me. I hear the word love being thrown around a lot lately but I don’t see it being used properly. I believe most humans don’t understand love in it’s truest form. For the longest time I didn’t understand it either and I’m not going to pretend that I’ve mastered it. I’m learning. Here is what I’ve learned over the years about Love. Read More

And We Burned

His warmth against my skin in the dark has been calming.

We talked all night about nothing but it was beautiful.
In between our words, we made love like everything was new.

Like last April never happened.
Before the poison set in.

I tried so hard but I could not hide the glowing within my chest.
He caught fire and we burned
together.

We ran from the sunrise and hid in the shadows of the second hand on the clock.

This left me coughing up ashes for days.

This little light of mine

He was such a funny curious little thing when he was born. His big blue eyes always searching my face and smiling when his eyes met mine. I use to sing and read to him when he was in my belly, I wanted him to always be comforted by my voice. His dad would lay his head on my lap and talk to my belly everyday when he got home from work.

“How are you my little glow worm?”
he would say.

Back then things seemed so calm, so simple. We just had us and that was enough.

My sweet boy, you are so precious to us. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank god for you and your amazing ability to shine brightly in the darkest places of my life. I love you to the moon and back.

Two steps forward one step back

Tonight has just been one of those nights where my head and my heart are at odds with each other. Honestly, I would rather peal the skin off of my body then to deal with these memories and dreams continuing to haunt me at night.

It’s a two step forward one step back kind of thing. I can go days and days without incident and then boom, something triggers a memory. I hate it and sometimes it’s more then I can bare. It makes me sick to my stomach and I get scared that I might do something stupid, like confront my husbands affair partner Felicia.

I had known Felicia for about three years and she was someone that I called my best friend at one point in time, but looking back now, I know that she tolerated me only to get at my husband. I should have known better then to trust her. This is not her first time fucking people over.

She is what you call a Narcissistic Serial Cheater, meaning she has cheated on pretty much everyone of her partners with their friends. This information came straight from her own mouth and the mouths of people that are closest to her.

She holds on to everyone of her ex’s and still has contact with many of them even though they are married or are in relationships. She then becomes the shoulder to cry on and blames the wife or girlfriend for everything, making herself look like the perfect women. Hence the narcissist.

Felicia will tell you that she prefers friendships with men over women because women are to emotional and full of drama, but in reality she hates to feel that any other women is superior to her and if she is made to feel that way, she gets nasty and spiteful.

Oh yes, did I mention that she is married as well? Our husbands were best friends too and they all work for the same company. My husband was a groomsmen in their wedding and I was the photographer.
Fucked up situation right?

I don’t want to give you the wrong idea, I don’t only blame Felicia for the affair. My husband is just as responsible and he feels the pain of what he did everyday. We are in marriage counseling and he is trying to make things right between us.

Felicia on the other hand has somehow got it in her mind that the wrong has been done to her because my husband cut the relationship off to come home to his son and wife, his FAMILY! I don’t think she quite grasps the concept that he was never her’s to begin with. It’s so funny because she is always saying how stupid everyone else is.

Felicia even gave me a nick name according to my husband. She would call me his princess. Apparently when she would try to talk badly about me he would cut her off and say that he didn’t want to hear it. She would then say “oh excuse me for talking about your princess.” That actually made me laugh.

I wrote her awhile back in my own attempt to understand how all of this could happen, but I never got a response. I don’t remember everything that I said but it was something along the lines of “I hope that you can learn to be happy with what you have in front of you.” I guess I should have known that she wouldn’t respond. She’s is somewhat of a coward. She turns everything into hate so she doesn’t have to deal with what she has done to others.

Okay, I’m done ranting for the night. I could go on and on about all of this but I would only be doing myself a disservice. Things will be better tomorrow once I’ve had some sleep.