Love

Sitting in the quiet of the morning, I’m reflecting on what the word “Love” means to me. I hear the word love being thrown around a lot lately but I don’t see it being used properly. I believe most humans don’t understand love in it’s truest form. For the longest time I didn’t understand it either and I’m not going to pretend that I’ve mastered it. I’m learning. Here is what I’ve learned over the years about Love. Read More

They ate me

His love was ambient,
warm holy water.

A baptism that cleansed me of my shame, my Daddy’s starless hands, my Mommas undoing.

There was Him and then there was god.

You see,

I was conceived out of wedlock, unwanted until my momma stumbled into an abortion clinic “a child” and walked out “a woman”.

I got my first bloody lip at age
five, from the steel backhand
of my father.

“Little whore, just like your mother”

I was to young to understand exactly what he meant at the time but his midnight hungry fingers taught me well.

My stepmother would have sex
with him while I was in the room sometimes.

The worst part of it was how the springs sounded like screaming.

Stuffed animals became my asylum; fluffy kitty’s, hippo’s and teddy bears, as many as I could find to hide under.

I remember white teeth watching
me from the shadows cast on ceiling corners in my room.

They never spoke to me,
just smiled like they knew
something that I didn’t.

I wondered when they would come down from the ceiling and eat me like the time a boy tried to eat me while playing hide and seek with my sisters.

He forced his way into the bedroom closet and pulled at me like I was wrapping paper. He ripped my skin but I couldn’t scream. His claws covered half of my face.

My momma had a habit of crashing into herself like chimes every time the wind blew, and I’ve been choking on all that music ever since.

Her first husband stabbed a women twenty-seven times after sexually assaulting her. The mask he hid his other face with was made from a pair of my eight month old baby pants. He was still a better father to me then my own.

I watched her get beat while holding my baby sister in her arms by the next man who said he loved her. He left and we moved in whatever direction the wind felt like taking us.

At seventeen I knew more sorrow then any casket could ever carry,
numbness rippled inside of me
like rings moving outward on stone soaked water until he found me.

He was a reckless boy with a mouth full of the sweetest honey and eyes so blue you’d swear he had oceans inside of him.

He told me that my soul felt like standing in the middle of a still forest and when he laid his head on my chest he knew that he was home.

I was finally home.

Stardust Fingertips

A poem that I started working on awhile ago. Now finished.

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Broken hearts and scars in only
places she could see

She just wanted to feel something
And as she sat there in her bed

Thinking about what words were said

Tears streamed down here eyes
And she cried

If there’s a god out there please hear my prayer

I’m lost and I’m scared

I’ve got nowhere else to run

I’ve come a long long way
But I’m not sure I can make it much farther

So if your listing
Could you give a helping hand
To your daughter

Ewww

I can’t help but cringe every time I hear the word “affair.” It seems like I hear that word at least once a day, now that I’ve experienced the damage of one in my own marriage.

A close friend of mine called me tonight, distraught because she just found out that her husband of eight years has been having an affair for the last three months. In her case the other women did not know that he was married. She actually had a conversation on the phone with her. The other women in my case was someone close to me and she cut me off as soon as she found out that I knew about her betrayal with my husband. I should have known better because she has a “reputation” for destruction.

My heart sank low and I felt the pain in every whimper she let out. There are no words to sooth a wound that deep. Our conversation stirred feelings of a chasms like sadness inside of me and I felt myself breathing a little deeper, a little harder.

I’ve just barely started putting the pieces of my life and heart back together and here she is right at the beginning of the end.

Humans are fucked up , You can’t change or prevent the bad choices People make. You have to put yourself back together because no one is going to do it for you. No amount of fighting it or trying to understand “why” will make the situation better. All you can do is pull up your big girl panties and take life one day at a time. Remember to breath, revenge isn’t worth it. Let dirty bitches lie beneath your feet where they belong.

Lion skin

I wonder, can you daydream at night?

Lying awake, I’ve had too much time.
I’m watching picture shows in the shadows
Dance for the crowd tonight.
Imagination is such a vivid place to hide,
While stars watch over you.

 

Through silent homes
The lights are out but I walk these halls,
The way I’ve walked before,
Sleeping, with saints and apparitions between the walls.
The lights are out but I walk these halls,
I promised not to wake you, so I’ll walk light, just so you can hear,

 

The rats in the roof and termites in the ceiling.
We’ll hear everything except what we need to hear.
Sleeplessness is for the restless, and I’m just fine,
Left to wander, aimless in unconsciousness.

 

There’s spiders crawling from the corners of my eyes.
Let them weave their little webs to snatch the sunlight from the lens.
I’m staring at the ceiling ’cause I’m fed up with the sight.
Weigh my eyelids back to sleep, sealed by silken silver threads,
While stars watch over you.

 

Through silent homes
The lights are out but I walk these halls,
The way I’ve walked before,
Sleeping, with saints and apparitions between the walls.
The lights are out but I walk these halls.
Push the sheep out of your mind,
Count the wolves and we’ll sleep tonight.

 

I stumble in and I stumble out of unfamiliar rooms in foreign houses,
But I’m at home, a ghost that has left behind his sheets,
Unrequited, until I wake up somewhere I know that I’ve never been.

 

I’ll stay ’til sleep takes over you.
And I’ll walk while stars watch over you.

 

Through silent homes
The lights are out but I walk these halls,
The way I’ve walked before,
Sleeping, with saints and apparitions between the walls.
The lights are out but I walk these halls,
The way I’ve walked before,
Sleeping, with saints and apparitions between the walls.
The lights are out but I walk these halls.
Push the sheep out of your mind,
Count the wolves and we’ll sleep tonight

Hands Like Houses