Love

Sitting in the quiet of the morning, I’m reflecting on what the word “Love” means to me. I hear the word love being thrown around a lot lately but I don’t see it being used properly. I believe most humans don’t understand love in it’s truest form. For the longest time I didn’t understand it either and I’m not going to pretend that I’ve mastered it. I’m learning. Here is what I’ve learned over the years about Love. Read More

Ewww

I can’t help but cringe every time I hear the word “affair.” It seems like I hear that word at least once a day, now that I’ve experienced the damage of one in my own marriage.

A close friend of mine called me tonight, distraught because she just found out that her husband of eight years has been having an affair for the last three months. In her case the other women did not know that he was married. She actually had a conversation on the phone with her. The other women in my case was someone close to me and she cut me off as soon as she found out that I knew about her betrayal with my husband. I should have known better because she has a “reputation” for destruction.

My heart sank low and I felt the pain in every whimper she let out. There are no words to sooth a wound that deep. Our conversation stirred feelings of a chasms like sadness inside of me and I felt myself breathing a little deeper, a little harder.

I’ve just barely started putting the pieces of my life and heart back together and here she is right at the beginning of the end.

Humans are fucked up , You can’t change or prevent the bad choices People make. You have to put yourself back together because no one is going to do it for you. No amount of fighting it or trying to understand “why” will make the situation better. All you can do is pull up your big girl panties and take life one day at a time. Remember to breath, revenge isn’t worth it. Let dirty bitches lie beneath your feet where they belong.

And We Burned

His warmth against my skin in the dark has been calming.

We talked all night about nothing but it was beautiful.
In between our words, we made love like everything was new.

Like last April never happened.
Before the poison set in.

I tried so hard but I could not hide the glowing within my chest.
He caught fire and we burned
together.

We ran from the sunrise and hid in the shadows of the second hand on the clock.

This left me coughing up ashes for days.

In the calm

I haven’t had many words lately. I’ve been overwhelmed this past week with my Grandfathers passing and almost losing my cat Coco.

Sometimes, I think my heart is
going to stop from sadness but It keeps beating and I keep breathing. One foot moves in front of the other and the sun sets again.

I know now that strength is found in sorrow, pain and endings.

I look to the stars for answers.

Be still. Listen. Wait.

I’ll never forget

I’ve had such a hard time letting go but I can’t keep replaying this madness in my head.

My heart can’t keep bleeding for

“maybe someday”

It’s time for me to be okay with goodbye.

So… Goodbye

What I’ve Learned:

1. A man can lose feelings for you over night.
2. A kiss can be just that, a kiss. Completely meaningless.
3. Love can be one sided but I still wonder if that is love at all
4. Never beg for someone to stay or to love you. You shouldn’t have to beg for someone to be a part of your life or to love you. You deserve better than that.
5. Stop breaking your ribs to make space for those who do not belong there.
6. Learning to breathe again is harder than the doctors said it would be.
7. I don’t know what hurts more at night; being alone or being in love.
8. Laying with someone in bed at night is temporary. It won’t get rid of the lonely. You will still wake up and leave in the morning with a heavy heart and no hand to hold.
9. Sometimes the sky rains gasoline instead of water and you have to be strong enough and ignore the urge to set yourself on fire.
10. I will be okay someday. Bad things happen for no reason sometimes and things end but that shouldn’t mean you should come to an end too. The ocean will always have waves; I just have to learn to swim through them for a bit longer.
11. The stretch marks I left on my mother from birth will not be another suicide letter I never finished.